I Don't Think You Hear Me.

My inner self is screaming at me right now—it's a memory of mine, attached to a feeling of complete and utter disgust and anger. It's a snarled lip, 'I spit on you' kind of feeling stirring up inside of me at this very moment. But why?

This morning, I met a client turned friend of mine for meditation on the beach. The glorious sun beat down on our faces, and the incense stick I plugged into the sand wafted its aroma through the gentle breeze blowing around us. I took everything in while I was meditating—the seagulls in the background, the crashing of the sea, and the visuals of colours I could see behind closed eyes. It was stunning and beautifully grounding.

On the way back, my friend—let’s call her Tiffany for protection's sake—had to go to her doctor appointment, so I asked her to drop me off en route so I could walk home. She turned to me and said, 'Oh! I haven’t told you yet what I need to tell you!' And proceeded to tell me that she believes she knows me from a few years back. She mentioned a name—it was the name of a person I decided to protect myself against recently. I couldn’t believe it. She went on to say that she used to be friends with him and remembers him mentioning an ‘Alex’. She also believes that at one point, we both may have been in the same house at the same time.

As beautiful as this serendipitous moment was, the realisation that we were destined to meet each other in some form or another didn’t invoke elation—or at least, I couldn’t quite seem to get there because it triggered something else within me. Deep anger was arising from within me. Because at that moment where I realised the time period I would know Tiffany from, it had taken me back to what I was feeling at that time of my life, which was nothing short of horrendous. Just at that moment, where I realised who ‘Tiffany’ was, she had to drop me off in order to get to her appointment on time. Worried about my reaction to the news, Tiffany urged me to stay in the car; however, I saw an opportune moment ahead of me—the crossing button was pressed, the light turned to red, Tiffany came to a quick halt, so I jumped out of the car and said, ‘Go! Don’t worry about me, don’t be late!’ On the way home, just a short walk around the corner, I decided to voice note Tiffany and explain how I knew this mutual person. A short 12-minute or so podcast later, I divulged the living hell I had endured. My intention was always to go to the gym straight after the beach, so I proceeded with my plan. But when I got to the gym, my body had other plans. As soon as I jumped on the cross trainer to warm up, I felt this deep-seated rage from my stomach, slowly making its way to my arms. I tightly gripped the handles of the machine and tried to run it off, but it was too powerful and wanted to come out in a more ‘impactful’ way instead, shall we say.

I got off the machine quickly and made my way to the functional area. As I turned the corner, a song came on through my headphones, the frequency matched my inner anger, now even more enveloped with rage. I saw the punch bag in front of me and I let rip. I didn’t hold back. I felt like I could keep hitting and hitting, but physically I didn’t have it in me. My hand started to bleed from not wearing a glove, and I didn’t pay attention to my breathing properly either, so if I wasn’t careful, I could start to hyperventilate. I could feel a big crying release coming on, so I moved to the studio where it was dark with no light on and private. I sat down and cried. Hand on my heart and a deep bellowing coming from within, followed by more rage. "I FUCKIN HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!" my mind screamed. Realising that I was in a surveillanced gym, I decided it might be best for me to go home and comfort myself there, as I had some things to say clearly! "I FUCKIN HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!"

Before I left the gym, I saw the ‘hydro-bed’ and thought, ‘Ah, perhaps a short massage will help calm me down’. However, it didn’t. I think what it did was aid more healing! Releasing the stagnant energy around areas of my body where the energy had become stuck! So as I laid there, I remembered a technique I picked up along my journey to help facilitate anger release. Starting at my chest, the palm of my hands facing the ceiling, I slowly pushed with as much might and resistance as I could, I pushed them to the sky. I repeated this a few times, but there was still so much there. I stopped and I sobbed again. So I decided to focus on my breathing to calm myself down. Recently, as I decided to put precautions in place to keep myself safe from this person, so much healing has come up for me. Layers upon layers, as I mentioned in an earlier blog. I thought I had done enough by severing ties or keeping him away from my life, but it's only now that I believe I'm really starting to heal from this. It’s almost as if my mind and body aren’t on this nervous hyper-vigilant alert system now, which makes space and gives more energy to other things within us. I don’t think we realise just how much energy is used for the parts that are unconscious to us. Our subconscious is doing so much throughout the day and we have no idea. Usually, those days we feel so tired for reasons unknown, it usually pays tribute to the fact that our subconscious is whirring, mulling over things we are consciously unaware of, reading our surroundings and environments for post-traumatic likeness, setting us on edge or never fully relaxing without us knowing.

''I don’t think we realise just how much energy is used for the parts that are unconscious to us.''

I love unconditionally, it’s who I am. I’m a ‘Gold’ personality, I am practically made out of love, I have that much to give. When I am connected with someone deeply, I can accept a lot. i.e. their past, the way they are, the way they do things. It’s part of my unconditional love. However, these allowances have always been one too many and have cost me so much, until I learned what boundaries were and stopped being such a doormat. Because a lot of this ‘’acceptance’’ for other people's behaviour within my relationships was because of my wound of wanting to be loved and accepted myself. I didn’t realise that I then kept on giving my power away more and more in these ‘adult relationships’ because I was acting out of that ‘lacking’ space within me. Not only that, but ‘Gold’ personalities, if they’re not careful, can become a bit of a people pleaser, because part of being gold is wanting to serve others.

I haven’t allowed myself to be angry, despise him or otherwise. I, without understanding at the time, tried to skip all that and go straight to forgiveness because I could understand why from his side. Not only that, but being ‘of service’ to others, unconsciously, I kept putting his needs forward - even after parting from him than my own. But there has been a clear strong message to my inner self through completely and utterly severing all means of contact, she feels more secure, she can breathe, she can heal, she feels 'put first', she feels seen, heard, loved and protected. 'Now you can hear me'. I wasn’t giving that to her, to me. I gave him comfort, I put his mind at ease, I gave him a lifeline, understanding, empathy and solutions not myself. But now, through these realisations, these layers coming up for me, I am sitting with myself. I am doing what I can energetically to release and let go of stagnant energy that no longer serves me. I am allowing whatever feeling needs to come up and present itself to me and I will sit there and feel it and at the same time, be kind to myself, nurture those parts that have felt ignored and shut off.